My Chinook

If I let myself,

I can still feel her watching me;

Her chestnut-coloured eyes, chin resting on her paws, coyote ears;

I love you, is there something I can do, are we going somewhere?

My body remembers, following her outside for a walk;

She runs to the open door of the backyard fence,

Stops just short of leaving and looks back;

Can I go? Are you coming?

She saved my life once.

A highly toxic varnish was being applied in the flat beneath us.

The fumes billowed into my room, into my lungs.

She smelled it and, in a panic, woke me up.

But on April 10^th 2015,

I held her

And a let a stranger

Sedate her…

I’m not coming home am I? I’m dying right now, aren’t I?

… and stop her heart,

The heart that I loved,

The heart that I think loved me.

I can still feel her watching me;

Her chestnut-coloured eyes, chin resting on her paws, coyote ears;

I love you, is there something I can do, are we going somewhere?

I can still feel her fur, her warm head under my hand.

If I let myself.