My Chinook

If I let myself,

I can still feel her watching me;

Her chestnut-coloured eyes, chin resting on her paws, coyote ears;

I love you, is there something I can do, are we going somewhere?

My body remembers, following her outside for a walk;

She runs to the open door of the backyard fence,

Stops just short of leaving and looks back;

Can I go? Are you coming?

She saved my life once.

A highly toxic varnish was being applied in the flat beneath us.

The fumes billowed into my room, into my lungs.

She smelled it and, in a panic, woke me up.

But on April 10^th 2015,

I held her

And a let a stranger

Sedate her…

I’m not coming home am I? I’m dying right now, aren’t I?

… and stop her heart,

The heart that I loved,

The heart that I think loved me.

I can still feel her watching me;

Her chestnut-coloured eyes, chin resting on her paws, coyote ears;

I love you, is there something I can do, are we going somewhere?

I can still feel her fur, her warm head under my hand.

If I let myself.

I remain and am loved (April 2015)

Is there a love that nourishes,
That supports and celebrates,
That leaves one intact?

I have loved like the mantis:
Drawn into the skinny arms
Of lovers that have crushed me,
Have burnt me up
Like a dry moth
Up in a flame.

But with you I remain.
 

Until you were gone (April 2015)

You watched, with youthful anticipation,
As I signed your life away.
You didn't know, only trusted
What was going on.
You could never have known
Never have fathomed
What was happening
What I, your friend
Your family,
Was letting happen
The very worst thing,
Anathema,
To what
I wanted
for you.

I signed your life away
And held you
Until you were gone.

But do you love him?

But do you love him?
Does it kill you every time you say goodbye?
Do you turn back to look at him a hundred times, through the tears, to see him one last time (one last time - a hundred times - not enough).
Do you not wash your clothes for days after he leaves because they carry his smell?
Do his hugs feel like coming home?
Do you fall in love all over again every time you see him but mourn the passing of every borrowed moment together?

If yes then I'll walk away.
If you have this then I'll let go.